Relative Freedom (In Part 1 of this series, we explored Sway, by Ori and Rom Brafman, a powerful book that discusses several psychological forces that drive irrational behavior. Here, in Part 2, we continue by looking at Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely.)

How free are you?

Some people [...]]]>

 
Relative Freedom
(In Part 1 of this series, we explored Sway, by Ori and Rom Brafman, a powerful book that discusses several psychological forces that drive irrational behavior. Here, in Part 2, we continue by looking at Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely.)

How free are you?

Some people pretend that they are completely free to make their own decisions.
But it’s not true.
Everyone is influenced in an endless number of ways.

Don’t give up, though!
We can focus on maximizing our freedom.

Learn about the common forces that influence you, and you have a chance to neutralize those influences, or use them to your advantage!

One of the ways that we make decisions is through comparison.

Most people don’t know if they want something, unless they compare it to other things.

Let’s say that there are two different items that I’m planning to buy.
One has a retail price of $20, and one has a retail price $200.
A seven dollar discount off the $20 item seems great, and I’ll go out of my way to get to the store that offers that discount.

But a seven dollar discount off a $200 item?
I’m not likely to go out of my way to get that.
It seems like no big deal.

But it’s still the same $7 that I’m saving!

You can be sure that marketers are aware of this, and use it to make an item seem more desirable.

Have you ever bought something, just because of the money you’d save?

One way to resist the influence of a good buy, is to change your point of view.
Instead of looking at the buy in terms of what you’re saving, look at the total spend in the bigger context of your available money, priorities, etc.

Zoom out, to take a wider point of view, the pull of some little advantage gets much weaker.

There’s another problem with our love of comparison.
On our own, we tend to ignore choices that are difficult to compare to what we know.

Marketers, on the other hand, use uniqueness to sell.
They’ll make their choice sound really good, and then emphasize the uniqueness of the product so much, that we can’t compare it to anything else.

Put uniqueness in perspective, by asking yourself if that unique benefit is really so unique, and if it’s valuable to you.

 
Ownership
Studies consistently show that owners value their things more than buyers are willing to pay.

Why?
We fall in love with the things we possess, and even the ideas that we’ve accepted.

How does this effect how we decide and buy?

The feeling of losing something we own, is more important to us than the money we get for selling it.

Similarly, if we’ve already mentally taken possession of some potential object, the thought of losing that ownership far outweighs what it costs to buy it.

Marketers make use of this bias in two ways, so be prepared:

• Companies give us a free or ridiculously cheap trial ownership in a product or service. They want us to feel ownership, and they know that we’ll hate to give it up when the trial is over.
• Companies give us guarantees. Just try it, and return it if you don’t like it. The companies know that once we take possession of something, we’re not likely to give up the ownership.

Protect yourself.
Ignore trials of things that you don’t really want.
And don’t let a guarantee sucker you into trying something out that doesn’t really interest you.

You’re always told that you have nothing to lose by trying out some product.
But you do.
Once you try something, and take possession of it, it’s much harder to return it, even if you don’t really like it that much.

 
I’ll Decide Tomorrow
Most of us feel compelled to put off our decisions, and keep our options open.
We push off making a choice, even it when it costs us money, energy, or time.

When we see options disappearing, even unexciting options, the immediate threat of loss makes those options seem big and important.

The antidote to delay is focusing on the consequences of not deciding.
Every delay is a decision.
Every delay has consequences.

We lose many opportunities because we delay making decisions.

Under the Influence How do you make decisions?

Do you analyze the situation, and weigh all the pros and cons before taking action? Or do you just go with your gut, without giving it much thought?

Whichever way you decide, you probably feel that you’re in charge of your decisions, [...]]]> Under the Influence
How do you make decisions?

Do you analyze the situation, and weigh all the pros and cons before taking action?
Or do you just go with your gut, without giving it much thought?

Whichever way you decide, you probably feel that you’re in charge of your decisions, and your life.

Sometimes our gut feelings are based on all kinds of subtle issues that our unconscious mind has digested to give us a quick answer.

Sometimes our feelings express what is truly important to us, even though we haven’t put it into words and thoughts.

There’s nothing wrong with going with your feelings.
Conscious thinking isn’t the only way to understand the world.

But our feelings are not always our own.

The world around us shapes our feelings.
We’re led to desire things, or act in ways that don’t make sense rationally, and go against our deepest feelings of what’s really important in our lives.

I’m happy going with my feelings if they’re really mine, if they’re based on what’s really important to me.

Inner Forces
There are people around us that manipulate our feelings for their own financial, political, or personal goals.

But that’s not the only way that our feelings and thoughts get twisted.

Our mind is built in ways that favor certain types of thinking, feeling, and acting.
(You can think of these as inner forces that shape our behavior.)

Often these forces work to our advantage.
But sometimes, they work against us.

Recently, I’ve read two powerful books that reveal some of these inner forces that drive irrational behavior.
Both books are based on solid research, but they’re written for ordinary, intelligent people to read and enjoy.

In this blog post, we’ll explore the first one, Sway, by Ori and Rom Brafman.
We’ll provide an overview of some of the forces at work within you.

I’ve also added some ideas about how you can consciously weaken the power of these forces so you can make a more clear-headed choice.

Pain vs. Gain
We feel the pain associated with a loss (or an anticipated loss) much more strongly than the joy of experiencing a gain.

It’s like your brain turns up the volume on the pain of loss, so you can’t hear the joy of gain.

How does this change the way you act?
You naturally focus, or even obsess on minimizing loss, instead of maximizing gain.

This force makes you avoid trying new things and making changes in your life.
You’ll do anything to avoid making a mistake.

Counterforce:

1. The best choices offer long-term benefits.If we stay focused on little moments, we’ll always be afraid of losing some quick, instant pleasure.

   Consciously focus on the long-term benefits.
   Build up those benefits in your mind.
   Make the sounds louder, the image brighter, the colors more vivid.

   Turn up the volume on those benefits.
   Then compare them to the little things that give you quick pleasure.

2. There’s something even more powerful that you can do.
   Your mind loves to focus on what you might lose.
   Your mind wants to protect the things that it possesses, or pretends to possess. 

   Let it.

   Think about the powerful things that you want, that you find so hard to act upon.
   Take possession of them in your mind.

   Feel them as yours.
   Feel yourself enjoying the benefits.

   Don’t obsess on the fear of losing them.
   But let yourself feel that fear for just a moment.

   And let yourself feel a strong desire to protect those precious possessions.

 
Commitment
Once you make even a small commitment to an approach, it’s hard to consider alternatives.

Counterforce:
Take a few minutes.

Imagine several different people who have made dramatically different choices.
See them committed to different choices, paths, lives.
And see each one happy and enjoying her life.

Let each one totally forget about the other choices, and just enjoy what she has.

It’s easier sometimes to imagine other people making different choices.
It’s not as unsettling as imagining a different life for yourself.

 
Chameleon Effect
People change their behavior and performance to match the opinions people have of them.

Treat me as mediocre or weak, and I’ll absorb that view, and act that way.
I’ll take on your image of me.

Counterforce:
Imagine yourself happier, more successful, more confident, or more powerful.
(Success can be anything you want it to be: relationships, family, career, business, money. You define it)

Now imagine successful people treating you as a successful person.
See and hear the way that they interact with you.
Feel the emotion in their voices, and see the emotion on their faces.

They see you as a different person.
Now accept their image of you.

 
Group Conformity and Dissent
There’s a powerful force within us that pushes us to go along with others and not stand out.
It’s much easier to think for yourself, and take a different point of view/action, when there is even one person already dissenting.

Counterforce:
Whenever it seems that you have to choose what everyone is choosing, imagine a powerful, popular person who is calmly choosing a different path than everyone else.

See that person as friendly and well-liked.
Pick any point of view for him as long as it’s different than the crowd.

This opens you to possibility, and gives you more freedom to make your own choices.

(In part 2 of this series we’ll explore the book, Predictably Irrational)

There are laws and regulations that control the content of television, movies, video games, and to a lesser extent, the [...]]]> The Free Exchange of Ideas vs. Censorship
Do you feel angry or even afraid when you hear that the government or other organizations are trying to control the content of your entertainment and your information?

There are laws and regulations that control the content of television, movies, video games, and to a lesser extent, the Internet. The rules have gotten more lenient over time, but they’re still there.

Why is the government trying to control the content of the Internet?

Many people are concerned that some of the content on the Internet exerts a bad influence on our children, and even on society in general.

Still other people are frightened by the sheer power of the Internet, and the unknown ways in which it may influence our future.

I don’t deny that the Internet has a powerful influence over us.

You might discount that influence, saying that everything and everyone we meet has an influence on us.

That’s true.

Still, the Internet is unique for it’s size, speed, and easy access to people everywhere. This gives the Internet the power to connect us to every idea and influence that exists.
And the Internet provides virtual communities where people with common interests “live” together.

Hopefully you and I make choices about which influences we let into our heads and hearts and homes.
There are plenty of things that I don’t want to see, or let my children see.

It’s not ridiculous to try and limit our exposure to hatred, violence, child pornography, terrorism, etc.

But it’s troubling to give the government the power to control what we see and hear.

Many people would like to live in a world without restrictions, not trusting government to always act in our best interests.

But what happens when violence or some other undesirable influence becomes so wide spread that we can no longer avoid it, and we can no longer keep it away from our children?

Here we are.

You can drastically limit these influences, if you get rid of television and movies.
But outside of tightly knit religious communities, most people aren’t willing to go that far.

And even with movies and TV out of the picture, the Internet, and its many communities remain.

The Internet is the most extraordinary, powerful tool, and like virtually any tool it can be used for good or evil. It brings us together, and it makes it easy to encounter any idea imaginable.

Virtual Worlds: The Final Frontier
But there is something new that has taken shape on the Internet, which may ultimately dwarf the importance of the Internet’s communities: Virtual Worlds.

Many people will dismiss these as nothing more than multi-player video games. We’ve had complex games for years, haven’t we?

The millions of people networking, sharing information, and living together through the Internet have irrevocably changed society, partly by making the Internet an integral part of our daily activities, and partly by changing our expectations of relationships, information, and commerce in a way that has carried over into brick and mortar parts of the economy.

So too the millions of people spending hours in virtual worlds will change the culture outside of the games, partly by making it commonplace for people to spend hours in virtual worlds, living other lives, and partly by changing the expectations that those players will have of their non-virtual worlds.

The numbers of people spending hours in these games is growing quickly.
Soon there will be hundreds of millions of people spending time in these worlds.

These worlds have culture, economies, and meaning.
The people who play these games find meaning in their identities and lives within the game, often more meaning than in their everyday lives.

Does it sound foolish or crazy to you?
The players in these worlds think about their time in the games as just living there.

Virtual worlds on the Internet enable us to lead simulated lives that we care about. This kind of experience has immeasurably more power to influence us than our relationships within the existing virtual communities, or the presentation of the same ideas in any other format.

(In Part II, we’ll explore Exodus to the Virtual World by Edward Castronova, which discusses the way that virtual worlds are structured, how the players experience these worlds, and the possible influence that this will have on society.)

Unfortunately the idea of the enemy is nothing new for us. It was 60 years between the attack [...]]]> Do You Have Enemies?
In the wake of 9/11, the conversations of our leaders, our media, as well as our own private conversations, have become filled with the idea of the enemy, and often the word itself.

Unfortunately the idea of the enemy is nothing new for us.
It was 60 years between the attack on Pearl Harbor and the domestic terrorist attack of 9/11, but the time in between was not empty of war.

The United States has been in many wars throughout the years, large and small.
If war is a regular visitor to the United States, it is a resident in some countries.

The world remains full of war.
And there are no wars without enemies.

There are times when there are others who want to destroy us, others who seem deserving of the name enemy.
At other times, those who we do not understand, or who oppose us, are too readily called enemy.

Sometimes we make enemies of those who have different beliefs, languages, or skin color. In recent times, the bitterness that often colors the conversations between Democrats and Republicans has become a conversation of enemies, rather than a discussion of ideas.

It doesn’t matter what my politics are, or what your politics are.
Let’s both resist the urge to mindlessly support our own side, and say that it’s the fault of one side or the other.
Both sides are equally at fault.

There is an overwhelming bitterness that colors many discussions, on both sides of the aisle. It’s like an ancient feud between two families that is just waiting to break out into open war.

Each side just waits for an opportunity to attack the other side.

I’m sick of it, and I hope that you are too.
If enough of us refuse to support this politics of enemies, there is hope that we can get our leaders to change.

If our politicians put that energy into real work, it would be a different world.

Public and Private Enemies
As our involvement in wars rises and falls, the idea of public enemies comes in and out of our conversations. These are countries or ideologies that are said to threaten our country, way of life, etc.

And public enemies are not the only kind of enemy.

Each of us have private enemies.
Sure, we’re uncomfortable with using that word, but we think of them as enemies nonetheless.

For some of us, our enemies are those who have inflicted us with great physical or emotional pain.

When we start thinking about the enemy, hate follows along like a shadow, poisons us, and makes life bitter.

Maybe there is some purpose in forever holding hate in our hearts, directed at those who have nearly destroyed us.
But I don’t think so.

Hate does not empower us to protect what is precious in our lives from those who truly threaten us. It makes us stupid, and it darkens our hearts.

And, while there are people who truly threaten and harm us, privately, or as a country, there are many other people who we only pretend are enemies.

Enemies and Blame
We’re introduced to the idea of blame at a young age, and it’s reinforced as we grow.

We don’t like to think of ourselves as flawed, and full of conflict.
We don’t like to admit that we’ve made many mistakes.

And sometimes it’s even simpler than that.
We face a challenge, and we find that we don’t know what to do.

We don’t like to admit that we’re fallible, and imperfect, and sometimes clueless.

We don’t want to feel embarrassed.
We don’t want to return to that feeling of being a little child, with a world that’s too big for us to handle.

Rather than face our discomfort, and work hard to find a solution, we settle for an easy way out:
It’s his fault.
It’s her fault.
It’s their fault.

We pretend that the only reason that we have a problem is because of what someone else has done wrong.

We sidestep the truth.
We take a real challenge that we could work hard and grow from, and turn it into blame.

We don’t have challenges.
No, we have problems.
And those problems are someone else’s fault.

What is the truth when we find some difficulty in the midst of two sides that blame each other? Most likely, both sides have some share in causing that difficulty, and both sides probably have a role to play in finding a solution.

Enemies and Marketing
In Do You Hate Selling, I speak of Blair Warren’s One Sentence Persuasion, and five powerful ways that can be used or abused to influence people.

People will do anything for those who encourage their dreams, justify their failures, allay their fears, confirm their suspicions and help them throw rocks at their enemies.

In other posts I’ve discussed the first four methods of persuasion (see links to these articles below).

The last method is help them throw rocks at their enemies.

Politicians, and people at every level of society, often slip into the easy way of enemies and blame.
Find, or manufacture an enemy that you can share with those that you wish to influence, and attack that enemy together.

It’s frightening how effective this is.
And it’s so sad to see how hard it is for many of us to build ourselves up, without tearing other people down.

When marketers use this idea to influence or manipulate their customers, they don’t typically demonize groups of people.

Instead they talk about the forces or limitations that get in our way and stop us from getting what we want.

And they promise to help us attack those obstacles.

Of course, they want to sell us the perfect product.

Some products are wonderful, and can truly help us.
And marketers rightfully speak of common difficulties/enemies that we share.

Other products are useless, and the marketers are only manipulating us.

We’re used to thinking of unscrupulous salesmen as the most manipulative people on earth, but even the worst salesmen don’t spend their time teaching us to hate.

Like you, I don’t have all the answers. I’m so full of questions.

And when I’m honest with myself, my questions burst forth, and haunt me. And one question comes back, again and again, in many forms.

There are many therapies, techniques, and strategies that we can use to overcome fear.

But if we free ourselves from our big fears, and still have no sense of possibility, no place that we truly want to go to, what will we use our freedom for? Where will we end up going?

However, there are many fears that we carry with us which do [...]]]> (There are real dangers in this world, and the emotion of fear can be a useful response to alert us to those dangers. Even then, we have to be willing to look at those fears, and see what action we need to take.

However, there are many fears that we carry with us which do not protect us, but only imprison us. This post focuses on these fears.)

Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself

There are many feelings, actions, and thoughts that we don’t like to talk about.

We pretend they don’t exist.
We act as though mentioning them aloud would take them out of some shadowy, dream world, and make them more real than we can handle.

What are we most afraid to talk about?
Our fears.

We share some of those fears with friends or family or therapists or advisers, but usually, we’ll do almost anything, rather than admit that we’re afraid.

Why do we feel so compelled to hide from our fears?
Warriors have been the standard role model for men in many cultures. Courage and confidence have long been character traits that men were expected to acquire.

And now that we have begun to treat men and women more alike, courage and confidence have become traits for women to measure themselves against, as well.

But let’s look closely at the ideal that we’re supposed to chase.
We would all love to be perfect, without doubts, and afraid of nothing.

Sorry. We’ve missed the boat.
Confidence doesn’t mean to live without doubt, and courage doesn’t mean to live without fear.

Confidence is having trust in yourself, feeling that you’ll be able to act in the face of uncertainty, and ambiguity.

Courage is the ability to act in the face of fear.

Circle of Fear

There’s a double standard about fear.

If your fear is common, like a fear of death, or public speaking, then it’s considered socially acceptable.

But if you’re afraid of things that the average person sleeps through, then you’re not normal. And if your fear of ordinary things stops you from doing things like driving, or going outside, then you have a phobia.

Some fears are strong, and loud, and clearly seen. They haunt us, and stand in front of us wherever we turn.

Other fears are quiet, and as hard to grasp as shadows.

We don’t see how even those quiet fears keep us from taking action.
We don’t notice how even these little fears keep us running in place.

When we’re stuck, our lives operate like a merry-go-around. We turn in circles, and move up and down, but ultimately go nowhere.

We’re often afraid to move in the exact direction where our greatest potential and power wait for us. When we try to move in those directions, we feel resistance. Resistance is simply hidden fear.

Another flavor of resistance is depression, sadness, and despair.
Life weighs on us, and nothing seems to matter. There’s nowhere to go, no possibility, and no choices.

What happens when we’re stuck, stopped cold by resistance/fear/sadness, and we can’t seem to move in the direction that we used to care about?

Any direction will do. We end up not caring much where we go, or where we end up. Like animals trapped in a zoo, we become disconnected from our real power, and we live only for food and other pleasures.

The Courage of Possibility
When little fears and resistance keep us trapped in a cage, we feel that there is no way out.

But often, it’s us who have given those little fears the power to imprison us.

As children, we were surrounded with wonder, joy, and possibility. How did we let that slip away from us?

How did we get to the point where often, any passing bit of pleasure or excitement can distract us, or any little fear can stop us?

We’ve traded wonder for control, possibility for safety, and joy for pleasure.

These are trades that our schools, and our society encourage us to make.

There are many good reasons why we need a stable, secure society to live in.
But the flip side of that, is that societies discourage change, and suppress unpredictable influences.

Wonder is a tremendous feeling that sees the greatness and possibility in the otherwise ordinary. Society encourages us to give up this vision, and instead focus on what use we can get from a particular person, place, or thing. Society teaches us to control the world in order to get what we want.

We do need to understand how to pursue goals. We do need to understand how to work with others, and leverage materials and tools to go after our goals.

It’s possible to have both goals and a sense of wonder.
But it’s not easy.
And someone who lives with both wonder and goals is very hard to control.

There’s nothing wrong with pleasure. We could have joy and pleasure in our lives, but joy is far more powerful, and harder for society to use to manipulate and control us.

And finally, if each of us were committed to exploring the extraordinary possibility within us, there is no imagination powerful enough to see how glorious this world would become.

One thing about that world is certain. There would be dramatic change in our society along the way.

So society encourages us to be afraid, and promises us safety, if we’ll only follow the rules, and abandon our unpredictable dreams of possibility.

We need the order of society to survive, and I generally believe in following the rules.
But not when the rules tell us to stop dreaming.

(see the related articles:

• Why Do People Use Fear to Influence You?
• How Do You Live With Fear? )

It’s not your fault.

You may not always use those exact words when you whisper to yourself. It may not even be a whisper, only a feeling.

But that feeling has passed through you, so many times.

We look at ourselves, and we don’t always like what we see.

But we hate to feel [...]]]> Guilt

It’s not your fault.

You may not always use those exact words when you whisper to yourself.
It may not even be a whisper, only a feeling.

But that feeling has passed through you, so many times.

We look at ourselves, and we don’t always like what we see.

But we hate to feel small. We hate to feel bad about messing up.
It takes us back to our time as children, and being told by those we love that we don’t measure up.

Guilt is all about that.
It’s about feeling that you’re not good enough, and that you’ve screwed up.

In Why Do You Hate Selling, we spoke about five powerful ways of influencing others.
The second of those ways is telling others that their failures are not their fault.

It’s so comforting when someone gets rid of our guilt, and tells us that we couldn’t help what we did.

Oh No! What did I do?
We feel bad about mistakes that we have made, and the ways that we’ve been mistreated.

But that’s all in the past.
We can focus, on the past, the present, or the future.

Seems like we spend a lot of time thinking about the past.
We’ve been unintentionally trained to focus on what we’ve done wrong, and how others have wronged us, all in the past.

And when we turn all of our hearts, and all of our minds to focus on the past, we live in a closed world.

The past is done, fixed. It will never change.

And when something can’t change, and when we can’t change it, we feel closed in.
We feel trapped.

As children, there were many things that we needed to learn.
As we learn, we make mistakes.
That’s always the way it works.
There’s no learning without mistakes.

Those who helped us learn and grow, such as our parents, wanted us to learn from our mistakes.

But more often then not, they focused too much on what we had done wrong, and not enough on what we could become.
Enter guilt.
Most of our parents truly wanted what’s best for us, but they trained us to focus too much on the past. And these habits of heart and mind that turn us toward the past, make us feel small, trapped, and enslaved.

We’re thrilled when someone comes along and says that what we did in the past doesn’t really matter.

It’s not your fault.

Feel the weight drop away when you hear those words?
It’s the weight of carrying the past, and living in a small, closed, dead world.

Back to the Future
But is it so wonderful when someone frees us from the past and responsibility?

It’s true that the past is gone. We can’t change it.

And the future is open, and potentially limitless, and the future can be free of the past.

But, do those who excuse our past, encourage us to act and build a limitless future?
There are wonderful people like that.

But in my experience, they are few.
Many of the people who tell us to forget the past are trying to manipulate us.
They’re really saying:

It’s not your fault.
There’s nothing else you could have done.

And there’s nothing you can do.
There’s nothing you ever really do.
You need me to tell you what to do

These people are encouraging us to think of ourselves as helpless, and follow them in the direction of their choice.

We can’t totally ignore the past if we want to change habits of mind and feeling that turn us in directions that we don’t want to go.

But we have to give the past only a little bit of attention, and use it as a springboard into the future, and be powerful people who want to choose our own future.

This is an age where people are afraid to dream.

You don’t believe me. We have too many cable channels to count. We have movies with incredible special effects, computer games that grow more elaborate all the time, and multiplayer games and virtual worlds on the internet.

And we [...]]]> Love to Dream, Hate to Dream

This is an age where people are afraid to dream.

You don’t believe me.
We have too many cable channels to count.
We have movies with incredible special effects, computer games that grow more elaborate all the time, and multiplayer games and virtual worlds on the internet.

And we have an unending supply of novels that are released, month after month, most in print, but some as e-books.

With all of this, our heads are full of dreams.

In fact, many people would rather watch television, go on the internet, or play a computer game, than exercise, play sports, or go out and spend time with people.
There’s no question, that sometimes, we love to dream, and need to dream, like we need air, water, food, and love.

We’re not afraid to dream someone else’s dreams.
And usually, we’re not afraid of the dreams we have in bed, when asleep.
Those dreams seem comfortably distant, so they don’t scare us.
They don’t demand anything of us.

But, what if we started to dream our own dreams?
You and I might change beyond all recognition.
And we imagine that our familiar, somewhat predictable world would crumble.
And how could we ever be safe, then?

Maybe you do let yourself dream about other ways of being, and having, and doing, but do you let yourself dream big dreams?

Or do you dream of small changes that wouldn’t matter much to you or anyone else?

As children we dream big dreams.
And then we find obstacles in the way.
We get tired. We get discouraged. We get hurt.
And we’re told that our dreams are unrealistic.
Or that we’re not worthy, fit, or able to reach such a dream.

What would this world be like if your family, friends, and society encouraged you to dream great dreams?
What would this world be like if they dared you to dream dreams that no one had ever dreamed before.

When I hear these words, my heart beats faster.
I see high mountains, and wide oceans, and other images of vast possibility.
And still, those natural wonders pale before the great things that we would all accomplish together in such an extraordinary world.

What would you or I be like in such a world?

Never Too Late
“It’s never too late to be the person you could have been.” (George Elliot)

In Do You Hate Selling, I speak of five powerful ways that can be used or abused to influence people.

The first way is to encourage other people’s dreams.

If we’re interested in personal development, and we want to unlock all the greatness that’s hidden inside of us, we have to get smart about the ways that we influence ourselves.

It may sound a little weird to talk about influencing yourself, sort of like strange people who refer to themselves by name, instead of saying “I”.

But there are conflicting parts of us with different interests, and you’ve got to find a way to motivate yourself to develop new habits of thought and feeling, in order to become a different person.

I’ve got to get in the habit of encouraging my dreams. I’ve got to encourage myself to dream big, and take action on those dreams to bring them to life.

Sure, it would be a big help if other people would encourage my dreams, and I hope you find friends who care about your dreams.

But at the beginning, you need to be the one to encourage your own dreams, and one of the best ways to build a new mental habit is to practice it on others.

If you want to encourage your dreams, encourage the dreams of those around you.

Do you encourage the dreams of your family, friends, and co-workers?
Do you even know what their dreams are?

If you want to have really powerful relationships with people, get to know their dreams, and care about their dreams.

And before long, you’ll believe that your own big dreams will come true.
And your friends will be telling you the same thing.

People hate to sell.

Not everyone, it’s true.

But why do so many people hate sales, and look down on sales people?

I’ve met many wonderful salespeople who help their customers find exactly the right product or service.

But, we’ve all met someone who fits the stereotype of the pushy, deceitful salesman. [...]]]> The Oldest Profession

People hate to sell.

Not everyone, it’s true.

But why do so many people hate sales, and look down on sales people?

I’ve met many wonderful salespeople who help their customers find exactly the right product or service.

But, we’ve all met someone who fits the stereotype of the pushy, deceitful salesman.
(It seems sometimes like deceit was invented for the use of salespeople.)

We’ve all met salesmen who don’t let you stop to think, and telemarketers who interrupt your life and dinner to offer you something you don’t want.

And the media reinforces the stereotype of the deceitful salesman.

We tell ourselves, that to be a salesman, is to be a professional liar.
And it’s not only that.

When I think of sales, I tell myself that I won’t be any good at convincing someone to buy.
I imagine that I’ll say something that I don’t really believe in, and someone will challenge me, and I’ll feel like an absolute idiot.

Ok. So I hate it.
Fine. I don’t have to sell, so I won’t.

Wrong.

Call it sales, or call it persuasion, or just call it communication.
If you ever ask anyone to do anything for you, you’re a salesman, even if you don’t ask them for money.

We have all sorts of resistance to asking for money.
As though money was evil, or dirty.

Know the Enemy
There are two good reasons to learn some basic, powerful persuasion methods.
1) You can better defend yourself against dishonest sales people
2) You can influence people more effectively at the times that you want to influence them.

There are five techniques that are summed up in a single sentence. This sentence comes from a report by marketer Blair Warren. Download One Sentence Persuasion if you’d like.

The five techniques that he includes were chosen because they are simple, immediately useful, and they can be almost frighteningly powerful.

Before I tell you the sentence, I need to warn you.
The language Blair uses is provocative.
Maybe you’ll even find it offensive.
But give me a few minutes, and you’ll see that you can use every one of these techniques

People will do anything for those who encourage their dreams, justify their failures, allay their fears, confirm their suspicions and help them throw rocks at their enemies.

1) What does it mean to encourage other people’s dreams? Well, you show them how doing what you’re suggesting, or buying your product or service will help them achieve their dreams.

2) We are troubled by the things that we want to do, or think we should do, yet haven’t done. And we’re also troubled by what we’ve tried to do without any success. Give people reasons why they haven’t begun to act, or haven’t succeeded at the action. This is “justifying their failures.” Tell them about some missing thing that will make them successful in the future.

3) Almost everyone has fears. “Allaying fears” doesn’t mean ignoring the fears. It means acknowledging the fears and providing support to enable someone to keep going despite the fear.

4) People love to say: “I knew that.” Talk about things that people believe or suspect to be true, yet they are rarely spoken about or acknowledged. This technique is often used in a negative way to confirm people’s paranoia or suspicions about bad things that others want to do to them. But we can instead focus on things that are deeply meaningful to others but are rarely spoken out and acknowledged.

5) A common enemy creates a strong bond. When I wrote “enemy” did you think of people? That’s the first thing that comes to mind, and unfortunately this technique is commonly used in that way. But there’s another way to use the technique without that negative approach. Find a key difficulty or obstacle that you share, and talk about that common challenge.

Persuasion through Relationship

All of these techniques rely on finding important common ground with people you want to influence. Influencing others is not simply a process of presenting a logical argument. It is most successful when you build relationships with people by showing that you understand key things that they feel strongly about: dreams, getting stuck, fears, things that people don’t talk about, obstacles.

Build real relationships with others based on issues that you both care about.
Ask the person to take action on something that relates to those meaningful issues.

You can use these techniques in a way that will have incredible, positive influence on others, and absolutely maintain your integrity.

And you don’t have to call yourself a salesman.
You are just one human being speaking to another, about things you both care about.